Why I'm Sharing Our Sleep Story: The Case for Better Support (Part 2)

[Brief recap of Part 1 story]

I shared our six-year journey through sleep deprivation with three babies who simply weren't "good sleepers."

But I didn't share our story just to commiserate. I shared it for three specific reasons that go far beyond our individual experience.

Reason 1: To Tell Parents Who Are In It — I See You

If you're reading this while bouncing a baby at 3am, or feeling like you're failing because your 8-month-old still wakes up twice a night, I want you to know: you are not broken, and neither is your baby.

The research backs this up. At 6 months old, only 38% of babies sleep 6+ consecutive hours. At 12 months, 43% of babies still aren't sleeping 8-hour stretches (Pennestri et al., 2018). That means if your baby isn't sleeping through the night, they're in the majority — not the exception.

The 1950s study that gave us the "babies sleep through the night at 3 months" myth defined "sleeping through" as just 5 hours from midnight to 5am — and even then, 30% of babies didn't achieve this until later (Moore & Ucko, 1957). Yet somehow this became the gold standard we're all measuring ourselves against.

You're not doing anything wrong. Hang in there. And change what needs to be changed for YOUR family.

Reason 2: To Advocate for Better Structural Support

Here's what I need to be honest about: we had privilege during those six years.

We could afford for one parent to work part-time. We could hire an au pair. We could absorb the financial hit of reduced income. We had family nearby who could help. We had jobs with flexibility and understanding employers.

Not every family has these options.

When society expects parents to "bounce back" quickly from childbirth, return to full productivity at work, and handle sleep deprivation without support, we create a system that pushes families toward the poverty trap. The families who can't absorb these costs — who can't afford childcare, who don't have flexible jobs, who can't take unpaid leave — are the ones who suffer most.

I experienced this firsthand. During the worst of baby #2's reflux phase, I was so exhausted I couldn't function at my usual work capacity. As a business owner, I pay substantial monthly premiums for disability insurance that should protect me when I can't work. When I went for assessment, the insurance doctor's response was telling: "Sleep deprivation is not an illness, it's an individual problem you need to fix at home."

No support. No recognition. No coverage — despite paying high premiums and being genuinely unable to work my insured hours.

This perfectly illustrates the problem: our systems treat exhausted parents as personal failures rather than recognizing this as a predictable, temporary phase that deserves support.

This isn't just about individual resilience. This is about structural inequality.

Research shows that 20-30% of all infants experience night awakenings throughout their first 2 years of life. Yet our workplaces, our healthcare systems, and our social policies are designed as if every baby magically starts sleeping 8-hour stretches at 3 months.

We need:

• Extended, paid parental leave that acknowledges the reality of infant sleep

• Workplace policies that support parents during the crucial early years

• Healthcare providers who normalize the full spectrum of infant sleep patterns

• Community support systems that don't leave parents isolated

• Childcare options that understand not all babies fit the same mold

Reason 3: To Reframe Hard Patches as Invitations to Authenticity

The sleep deprivation years weren't just something we endured — they were an invitation to question everything and build a life that actually worked for us.

Before kids, we operated on autopilot, following the scripts society handed us about how to live, work, and succeed. The exhaustion and chaos of early parenthood stripped away that autopilot and forced us to ask: What do WE actually need? What works for OUR family?

This is the hidden gift in parenting's hard patches — whether it's sleep deprivation, postpartum struggles, or navigating a child with different needs. They force you to stop performing the version of parenthood that looks good on Instagram and start creating the version that actually serves your family.

But here's the crucial part: individual families shouldn't have to figure this out in isolation while fighting against systems that don't support them.

The Connection Between Individual and Systemic Change

I can celebrate how our sleep struggles led us to create better boundaries, question expert advice, and build a family life on our own terms. AND I can acknowledge that we only had the privilege to make those choices because of our economic situation.

A single parent working two jobs to make ends meet doesn't have the luxury of "finding their authentic parenting path" when they're exhausted and unsupported. A family without savings can't choose to have one parent work part-time during the hardest years.

This is why both matter:

• Supporting individual parents in reframing challenges as growth opportunities

• Advocating for systemic changes that make that growth possible for ALL families

What This Means for You

If you're in the thick of sleep deprivation or other parenting challenges:

On the individual level: Use this as an invitation to question what you've been told "should" work and experiment with what actually does work for your unique situation.

On the systemic level: Don't blame yourself for struggling in a system that wasn't designed to support you. Instead, add your voice to the call for better policies, workplace flexibility, and community support.

The goal isn't to make every parent "resilient enough" to handle an unsupportive system. The goal is to change the system so that all families can thrive.

Because when we do that — when we create a society that truly supports parents and children — we're not just making individual lives better. We're investing in the next generation and building a more equitable world for everyone.

What's one way you could advocate for better support for families in your community? How might your own parenting challenges be pointing toward systemic changes we need?

This blog is written by Babette Lockefeer, mom of 3 and founder of Matermorphosis. Through Mother on MY Terms, Babette helps ambitious mothers have a career that matters without compromising how they want to raise their children — no self-erasure or powering through required. This transformational program guides women through the identity shift of matrescence using evidence-based tools, helping them create the life they REALLY want. 80% of participants get promoted or make successful career transitions.

Ready to mother on YOUR terms?

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